Just For Today

I am doubting everything around me lately. Is it because I don’t trust my own instincts or is it because those I thought were close really were lying to me all along? I don’t know the answer – I only know how I feel. It’s like that dream where you know you’re dreaming and can’t wake up. I want to wake up so that this feeling will go away but I am awake now and I have to deal with this – the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness.

People can be snide and evasive. It frustrates me to no end. If you have a problem with me, please tell me. Don’t quietly write me off and leave me guessing. Don’t make a passive aggressive remark to leave me wondering, “what did they mean by that?”. Grow up and tell me what is bothering you. If you want to know why the world is becoming so detached and impersonal, it’s because of people that refuse to address the real issues that are affecting them. It’s because of people like that that I feel a strong urge to isolate and remove myself from everyone and everything. If I’m going to be hurt every time I reach out and make myself vulnerable, why bother?

And at the same time, there are those around me that are paying a price for my doubt. Why do I attack and beat down those that are closest to me? It’s an awful thing to do. I’m in hyper-vigilant mode and it is exhausting. My brain has  developed this defense mechanism over many many years. It is effective but I somehow have misplaced the instruction manual for how to dial it back. I was reminded of this today and it has triggered much reflection on these last few weeks. There are many positives in my life and in people around me. I need to celebrate the positives while staying authentic in the moments that are difficult or painful.

The healthy part of me knows that isolation is NOT the answer. The healthy part of me knows that I need to reach out and share my feelings and be around those that understand my plight. The healthy part of me knows that this too shall pass and that I will be ok.

The crazy part of my brain is screaming and saying, “NO NO NO NO NO!” The crazy part of me is trying to convince me that this is the beginning of the end and I will be doomed to a life of solitude and sadness. The crazy part of me is making an argument that I am unlovable and crazy.

Why does the crazy part have the louder voice? How do I muzzle the crazy voice? How do I amplify the healthy voice?

I am making the commitment, just for today, to listen to the healthy voice. I am making the commitment, just for today, to affirm that I am worthy, that I am lovable, that I am special and that I am not alone. Just for today…

The Great Vanishing Act

Being a people pleaser is no picnic. Scratch that. Being a people pleaser is easy – taking care of others and making sure they are happy is easier than looking inward and facing the reality that is myself. Being a people pleaser is no picnic when you realize that you have disappeared while you were busy taking care of others.

As a kid, i was encouraged to do things for others. To be selfless was good. Through adolescence, I took that message and ran with it. I warped the message to read, “As long as everyone else is happy, things are ok – regardless of how I might feel.”  And thus, my codependent life began. People perceived me as strong and opinionated. However, “my opinions” weren’t ever really mine. I carefully crafted my words to shoot down the middle. I was never too controversial in any direction and directed at the majority. Whenever I did try to say how I felt, and if I became emotional (God forbid) while doing it, I was quickly dismissed as weak and my argument or view point immediately lacked merit.

Trying to overcome this feels insurmountable at times. This has become my norm for the last 35 years. As far as I can tell, I have never “not” been codependent. Snapping my fingers and making this all go away would be one of my 3 Genie Wishes, but since that’s not reality, I am left to struggle each day with finding my real voice.

This is not to say I don’t have moments of strength and clarity. I recently had a conflict with someone where I was really hurt by what they did. And when discussing it with them, and explaining how disappointed and scared I felt, I could feel the urge to apologize for confronting them surging to the forefront of my mind. I had to convince myself that it was ok to tell them I was upset and that I had nothing for which to apologize. For me, that was like taking my hands off the lap bar at the top of the highest roller coaster hill. Not saying, “I’m sorry” felt foreign and scary and incomplete for me.

AND – the world did not implode as a result. The other person did not crumble to the floor in a pile of ash – assaulted by my emotions. That’s the dark underbelly of codependency that people seldom mention. There’s an implied power – the feeling that my words and emotions can affect others so deeply as to render them helpless and angry and irreparably damaged. Not so.

I have successfully masqueraded my inner self for many many years. I am hopeful that I can take off the masks I have worn one by one (or two by two) on the journey to my authentic bare soul. I no longer want to live in fear of hurting others, and instead live unafraid of the emotion and depth of the woman inside of myself.

Feel The Change

Flux. I hate flux. It leaves me feeling groundless and aimless and insecure and downright scared. And yet, I find myself in flux right now. Certain things feel right – my marriage, my school work and some of my friendships. But many things don’t feel right – things that have felt right for a long time I am now noticing don’t fit me anymore. It’s not easy for me to purge – especially people. I mean – how do you really purge someone from your life? But when you grow apart and you realize that your relationship is one-sided and you are the one giving endlessly with no reciprocity, something has to give. Something has to break. Someone has to blink first.

Life is short. I don’t want to expel energy on endeavors that are fruitless. I guess seeing people that I have known for a long time change and morph into different types of people is sad. The person I knew seems to have disappeared in a way. So in essence, there has been a death and I am in mourning. I don’t have to stay mired in it, but I am feeling it. Maybe I am the one that has changed – and now I just see things differently. Either way, there has been “a disturbance in the force”.

I don’t know when I will say goodbye and I don’t know if I ever will. I am grateful for my awareness and that I am not avoiding my feelings on this. I have noticed that the more aware I become, the more aware I am of people that live in a cloud of indignity. I feel privileged to be creating a life surrounded by people that are honest and true. I do have to remind myself every day that we are all on different journeys. It’s exciting to watch – and feel – and grow.

Truth AND Consequences

Offending someone is not fun. Offending multiple people with one act is even less fun. I realize that my actions were perceived as hurtful and disrespectful. However, my intentions were pure and lacked malice (and also lacked forethought). Correcting my mistake was simple. Earning back the trust of those offended will take time. I’ve said my apologies and amends. I now have to let my future actions speak for themselves.

Reactions are unpredictable. I can’t control how other people think or behave. I just wish they could understand the same thing about me. I don’t have to say what they want me to say if I don’t believe it to be true. I have to work hard to turn this over. Trusting that everything is as it should be and that my higher power is handling things is difficult right now. I just have to remind myself of that – moment by moment – one day at a time.

The pain I am feeling is the clear consequence of my behavior. I have to trust that my truth will be heard.

 

See Me…Hear Me

Self reflection stinks sometimes. And when things come up in my life, I try really hard to figure out the lesson I should take away from the event.

Changes at work this week have created discord in my heart. Promotions all around me, but not including me. Am I happy? No. But now I am just trying to figure out why. What am I doing (or what am I NOT doing) to make myself invisible? I feel like I’m not seen and I’m not heard. Someone once told me that I have to be my own advocate – that no one will pull for me the way I can. It’s tough at my current job – I feel crippled by fear. I can’t afford to lose my job (benefits and security of a paycheck), so I am afraid if I do speak up for myself, their answer will be, “If you don’t like it, leave”. And yet, I feel sad to stay because I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, it won’t be acknowledged.

How do I get past this? How do I learn from this? I haven’t had my a-ha moment yet, but I know it will come. I am a strong woman. I am a smart woman. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be respected and heard. Maybe my higher power is telling me to listen to my inner voice – and that my inner voice should be the loudest. Am I seen? Am I heard? Yes I am – by me!

“Work to become, not to acquire.” – Elbert Hubbard

 

Love vs. FWB

FWB – Friends with benefits. Maybe in my younger days, that would have “made sense” on some level. Frankly, it irritates me now. What’s wrong with monogamy? What’s wrong with developing a relationship? I guess in the instant gratification culture we live in, the idea of getting to know someone is just too daunting. And even more daunting, letting someone else in – to see me, warts and all.

Tomorrow is my 11th wedding anniversary. I am truly grateful for the journey he and I have taken together. While we are the same people as the two that met in 2000, we are different. Our experiences, losses, loves, jobs, friends, families, have all shaped us and made us into who we are today. Hallmark tries to capture the feelings, but they never quite succeed. I feel blessed to know the man to whom I am married. Even though I probably shut him out of the deepest parts of my soul for the first 7 years (out of fear of rejection) he stayed. He was patient. He never failed to love me – even as I slowly revealed the dark underbelly of my being.

He is generous – to a fault. If you are a restaurant worker, you WANT him to be one of your customers. He could order a diet coke and a piece of apple pie and leave you a $20 tip.

He is thoughtful. He listens to every word I say (unless the Rams are playing and there’s 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter and they are in the red zone) LOL.

He is smart. He can negotiate buying a car one minute and recite batting averages from the Brooklyn Dodgers in the 40s the next minute.

He makes me laugh. And that keeps me from taking life too seriously.

He is not perfect. Neither am I. But we are both realists. Miramax would have us believe that there’s a formula we need to follow to have a “perfect” relationship (as long as I look like Meg Ryan and he looks like Tom Hanks). And if we choose to not have a relationship, surface level hookups with people that are virtual strangers is deemed acceptable as the box office would have us believe.  I don’t buy it.  I would choose the deep, meaningful relationship that has grown and evolved over these 11 years over a FWB any day (and twice on Sunday).

I love him. He’s my husband, which makes him my FWB. I love being married to my best friend. I wish that for all of you out there too. If you’re not, don’t be afraid to take the risk. In my case, it has paid off in spades.

Worriers of the World Unite

Before there was "Mean Girls" there was "Heathers"

I am a worrier. I admit it. I’m getting better about it, but sometimes I just drive myself crazy. And usually, it’s over little things.
The other night I was invited to go to an event where I was going to see a few people that I hadn’t seen in almost 20 years. I wanted to attend, but thinking about the prospect of seeing those people was freaking me out. Now, mind you, when I last saw them, I didn’t exactly part ways gracefully. I was about to fail out of college and my embarrassment led to crazy behavior on my part. So entering this situation the other night, I felt like I was going back to the scene of the crime. In my head I had a scene from the movie “Heathers” or a slushee-in-the-face a la “Glee”. I envisioned a lot of snubs and glares and whispered insults quickly followed by points and snickers.
I see Jennifer first. A warm embrace was imminent. She was actually happy to see me! I was confused and bewildered. I mean, didn’t she hate me like I imagined she would? Didn’t she want to avoid all contact with me? I had to blink and pinch myself to make sure I really was there and receiving her warmth.
As we moseyed through the venue, we ran into Sharon. My memories of Sharon are really positive. I enjoyed hanging out with her in college and I always found her smart and funny. But in my head, she thought I was a nut case and would spit on the ground in front of me and walk away in disgust. To my utter amazement, a huge hug greeted me and she was excited to hear about my new ventures and my recent return to academia to finish that degree that I had started way back when. I was SHOCKED.
Lessons learned?
1. I think way too much of myself to think that this is important. There are bigger issues in the world than whether or not these people like me or want to be my friend now.
2 Whatever I can conjure up in my head will likely be worse than any reality.
3. People change. Just like I have grown and changed, so do others. 20 years can make quite the difference.